Dear Guy,
I am divorced, after 14 years married. I have no idea what to do with my time now. I'm a guy who always wanted time to hang out with the guys, and now that I am free to do it, I can hardly stand it. How do you go about dating after that long? I don't even know where to start. I am a flowers and romance kind of guy. But the way dating goes now, when is it the right time for that?

-That Other Guy
-Bay City


Dear Other,

Welcome back. We've discussed this dating after marriage topic a few times, but your question brings up some interesting points. It's never been an easy thing, but in today's new "dot com dating" environment, it can be a hard call on what steps to take, so I'll try a more modern approach.

I hate to bring this to your attention, because I certainly don't support it, but there is a relatively new phenomenon known as the "Dating Mentor". This person presumably replaces the three buddies who elbow you across the bar to ask a chick for her number, with a more sophisticated, experienced dater who is willing to walk you through it step by step. There are actual services, of a sort, for this type of "instruction", or you can choose a friend who always seems to be breaking the bank at the condom store.

Of course, I can see some immediate pitfalls.

I would assume that said "Experienced Dater" would be too busy getting laid to hang with you at the local clubs, giving you the "Win One For The Gipper" speech. Additionally, it would be my advice that, if you're going to swim with sharks, sooner or later, like it or not, you're just going to have to jump in and get all wet. This means that nobody can swim for you, and, at the very best, a "mentor" can merely work to pull you out if you start to sink (At which point, Mr. Suave gets the girl's number, and you're taking his car home for him like a big, lonesome, schmuck).

You mention flowers and candy, which is fine, but in today's dating world, it can be read as a sign of weakness. Trying too hard is a sure fire way to get the sharks to bite. I've said it before and I'll say it again: Women smell fear (Enter women's hate mail).

Knowing when it's the right time for traditional methods of courting is a tough proposition. Common sense would dictate that after a nice, respectable, traditional date, a small expression of interest such as a single red rose or a small bouquet of flowers isn't a big deal. Leaving them on the windshield of her car at work, however, could invite revulsion and leave you viewed as a stalker.

Sending her a humorous card, telling her you had fun, and would like to go out again; good.
Sending her a card with a 2 page poem and a description of what you think your children would look like: bad.

Sending her a concert ticket for a show she would enjoy with fixed seating adjacent yours: good.
Making her get her own ride to the local mud bogs: bad.

You get the gist. When all is said and done and the smoke clears, my advice is simple:

Get out there, expect to stumble, expect to get shot down, and expect that sooner or later, you'll get back into the swing of things. When you least expect it, the right one will be there for you. As I always say, it happens roughly two seconds after you stop looking.

Good luck and happy hunting!
-Guy

Dear Guy:
I am in my early thirties and I'm seeing a lady the same age. Her husband left her right after her baby was born, a little over two years ago. She has a problem I think she should see a doctor about. When we are intimate, her breast, wellŠleaks. I have not talked to her about this, because I don't want to embarrass her, but I am concerned that she needs to get this checked. How do I talk to her about it?

-Concerned in Saginaw

Dear Concerned,

Relax. It can take as long as three years on the average for the female body to hormonally readjust after pregnancy. You say her child is a little over twoŠso she's well within that time frame. Women can lactate almost indefinitely: we've all heard the weird cases about the mothers who breast fed their children into elementary schoolŠand about "wet nurses" in tribal cultures. It's a very "on-demand" thing. Following pregnancy, the body is hyper-charged and geared toward providing for a young one that, by nature's standards, is uncommonly dependent for a very long time. If she breast-fed for any length of time, this could extend the re-adjustment period. Unless she's exhibiting unusual symptoms, there should be no worries. You're likely stimulating the area, and it's doing what it thinks it should. Let it go, unless you notice something unusual or you believe she is not getting regular health care.
-Guy

                                           
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